Monday, June 20, 2005

Are you the cat or the bunny in your relationship?

By Barton Goldsmith, Ph.D., MFT

Say that your partner is an Energizer-bunny, someone who just keeps going and going and you're more of a cat-person who likes to take naps and hang out around the house. How can the two of you live in harmony and give each other the space and companionship you need to be personally happy as well as content in your relationship?

I believe that differences make for good relationships, however certain behaviors can cause imbalance and create distress. To make this particular difference work for you instead of against you, take a good look at your energy level and see how that affects your connection. Once you understand your individual behavior preferences, you then can find ways to balance things out.

For the Energizer-bunny, do your best not to think of your cat-person partner as lazy, or that he or she doesn't want to play with you. Cat-people need to understand that "going" is the way Energizer-bunnies relax. Both of you need to recognize that we all have different rhythms and that these can change over time. Encouraging your partner to go with your flow will be much easier once you have a mutual understanding.

Recognize that some people get more energy by resting and others increase energy through activity. Accepting this will help you plan your lives so you are both at your best. If your partner runs out of batteries in the evening and you have plans for dinner and a movie, suggest that he or she take a nap in the afternoon, that way your sweetheart will have more energy for you at night.

Realize that you don't have to do everything together to be a successful couple. If you support your partner in his or her desires, the favor will be returned. If your partner is a hiker you could make sure he or she has a protein bar and some water. If your loved one is making a pilgrimage to the outlet mall or the hardware store, you can have lunch or dinner ready when he or she returns home.

Participating doesn't mean that you have to be attached at the hip. It's more a matter of sharing the experience in some way versus feeling left out or being pushed in a direction that's uncomfortable for you.

It's also helpful to let your mate know what you want. If your partner falls asleep as soon as his or her head hits the pillow and you want to kiss and cuddle, make sure you say you've got some romantic intentions before the lights go out.

Trusting that eventually both of you will get what you want and need is key to helping you enjoy your life together. Differences in activity levels usually will shift over the years, I know people who took up marathon running late in life and others who left careers as professional athletes to write.

So the next time your cat-person wants to take a snooze in the sun and you want to do some running around, show how you appreciate your differences and your mate by picking up something special ... like extra batteries.