Barton Goldsmith, Ph.D.
The symptoms of depression are as varied as the differences between men and women.
Women tend to be better at expressing their emotions, even when those feelings are uncomfortable or not easily identified. Women also often find it easier to let their sadness out, by crying and talking with friends or a therapist about any psychological pain.
Men, on the other hand, gravitate toward masking their depression by trying to ignore disturbing feelings, overworking or even diverting their distress with substance abuse and sex. Men also are inclined to exhibit more of the physical symptoms of depression, such as chronic pain or fatigue, and can project blame or act out aggressively, especially toward their partners.
It's unfortunate that not talking about feelings and seeking solace in isolation has become an accepted male behavior. When men withdraw socially by watching television, organizing the garage or working long hours, they may actually be avoiding their emotional discomfort.
Many men have difficulty expressing sadness when faced with a disappointment or even grief. These behaviors, along with not wanting to interact with loved ones, may be signs of what's being called male pattern depression."
These symptoms may not only cause a man to get stuck in his depression, but they can have a serious effect on the emotional stability and health of his relationship.
You can say "I don't want to talk about it" or "I'm just tired" only so many times before your partner stops trying.
For women who are dealing with a man who is possibly depressed, some help can be found in the book Is He Depressed or What?" by David Wexler, Ph.D. He recommends that women maintain perspective by talking about what's going on with friends and family. Wexler also believes in establishing clear and consistent boundaries.
Helping a man get emotional support can be a challenge in itself. Many men see asking for any kind of assistance with their feelings as a sign of weakness. I suggest that if the man you love isn't comfortable seeking counseling on his own, offer to do it with him. But remember, just the process of talking about therapy can cause a depressed man to be short-tempered and evade the issue.
It's also advised that you don't enable him by putting up with bad behavior. Don't allow his acting out to wreak havoc in your home.
Remember that you can never control another person, but you can set limits on what you will accept.
Women have to gather their forces and look for the right moment to say what is necessary to get the man in their lives to take appropriate steps toward emotional healing. Unfortunately, sometimes you can't get through to him. Wexler points out that leaving the relationship may be a necessary last resort for self-preservation.
A woman in this situation must take care of herself so that she can also care for her family. Keep communicating and continue to work to rebuild your intimacy. It may save your relationship and perhaps a life.
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