On Life and Living

My mentor, Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, once wisely pointed out, "It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth—and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up, we will then begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had."

People can die suddenly; from a disease or an accident, or even at the hands of another. The ones we love can be taken from us at any moment, and truly understanding that should make us treasure every second we have with them.

The Jack Nicholson film "About Schmidt" comes to mind. Before his wife passed away, he disliked the things she treasured, her goals, and the way she did things. After she died, he cherished even the broken little pieces of her possessions and awkwardly tried to embrace her dream of traveling.

When I see couples argue about the little things, becoming very angry and indignant about who's right, I try to get them to see how they are both wasting the most precious thing we have—time. If we could all push a button and get a glimpse of our lives twenty years down the road, I think we'd handle the speed bumps of our relationships with more caution and care.

Couples hurt each other in small ways that add up over time. Not saying "goodbye" or "I love you" when your partner leaves for the day. Not taking his or her phone call because you're too miffed or too self-absorbed. Not greeting the one you love with a substantial hug and kiss when he or she comes home because you're watching TV or in another room. All of these choices fray the fabric of your relationship.

Many people have happy relationships. They trust that they have put their hearts in the right hands. But when the ones we love prepare to leave, we all flash back on the moments when we could have done things better.

I don't think it's possible to avoid emotionally wounding each other at times. But I do believe that we can all improve the way we relate to the people we care about. All we have to do is to take a moment to consider those we love before acting in a way that injures them. We also need to make the decision to let ourselves feel how much we love them and how fragile and temporary our existence can be.

If you think you've wasted your life holding grudges or feel like you've closed off your heart, it's not too late to change things for the better. Take in as much love as you can and don't let these precious days go to waste.

- Barton Goldsmith, Ph.D., author of "Emotional Fitness for Couples" can be reached at (818) 879-9996 or via e-mail at Barton@BartonGoldsmith.com. He has resided and practiced in Westlake Village for over a decade. Hear him live on KCLU Radio, 88.3FM, every Monday from 2-3 p.m.